Betsy’s Weekly Column
Released Thursday, March 8
© Scripps Howard News Service 2007
I like to say that my ultimate goal for my children is Heaven, not Harvard. Now if my kids go to Harvard on the way to Heaven, that’s great: But if I so focus on Harvard and success in this world that they miss Heaven, I will have failed them _ and for all of eternity.
It starts with training them in the wise habits of the heart. I was so fortunate to have wise friends in my church _ families mentoring me and challenging me, teaching me things like (gasp!) it’s the job of us parents to lead our kids. It’s not up to the experts, it’s not up to the village, it’s up to us. So with apologies to Stephen Covey and gratefulness to my many wise friends, I distill it down to the seven essential habits of the successful home, in this case the seven “A’s”:
1. The culture teaches us that success in the world is what’s of paramount importance. Instead, we parents need to have as our greatest mission for our kids something that will really matter for them, now and forever. And so my ultimate aim for my children is Heaven, not Harvard;
2. The culture tells us that our children are inherently wise and virtuous. But the wise parent sees a child’s heart accurately, meaning he understands that the foolish tendencies of his child’s heart are the biggest danger facing him;
3. The parenting experts want us to believe that we must “earn” our authority in the lives of our kids, as one such leading expert puts it. Instead, we parents must accept our role of authority in our children’s lives for the good of our children. And, we must understand that we as parents are under God’s authority too;
4. The culture seeks to protect children from every conceivable disappointment or frustration. This isn’t the way to build resilient children. This is the way to build children who will be routinely buffeted by life’s storms, even the storms God Himself asks them to weather. We parents give a gift to our children when we let them appropriately experience and learn from adversity;
5. The world teaches children to ask, “What have you done for me lately?”
But wise parents teach their children an attitude of gratefulness;
6. The culture wants our children to believe they are wonderful right now, as is. Instead, our duty as parents is to affirm our children not because they are wonderful today, as crazy as we are about them, but because they are created in God’s image. And, they are the only creatures He made who can choose to do better tomorrow;
7. The world wants us parents to be our children’s “friends.” But the wise parent knows that to be a child’s advocate, to be on our child’s side, means we have to care less about whether our children like us when they are 13 than when they are 30. And that to really be our child’s advocate, we need to pray for our kids and wisdom in parenting them.
This list is hardly exhaustive. But whatever we decide are going to be the essential habits of our home, we parents have to persevere in the moment, even when we don’t see the fruits of our perseverance in the moment. Parenting is like waves washing over a rock. You think the water is having no impact at all on the rough stone, but then one day, it’s almost suddenly clear that the rock is smooth right where the waves have been washing over it all those years. So, too, it can be when it comes to the work of a parent in shaping the heart of his child.
As a dear friend recently reminded me, when it comes to parenting our children the days are so long _ but the years are so short! And so what a blessing it is to our children when we parents have as our ultimate aim for them Heaven, not Harvard.
(Adapted from Betsy Hart’s recent talk to the Willow Creek Association’s Children’s Ministry Conference 2007, an international gathering of children’s-ministry leaders held at Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington, Ill.)
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April 1, 2007
Betsy,
you realize that there are people in the U.S who are not Christians-like me. So, are you telling me that the only and correct way to raise children is the Christian way ? And, what makes you so sure about heaven and not so sure about Harvard- have you talked to anyone whose been to heaven ? I’ve talked to people who have been to Harvard.
April 1, 2007
Dear Betsy,
I really enjoy reading your weekly column—especially when it comes to parenting tips—but I have to take issue with today’s article on successful parenting habits.
I guess it’s the phrase “Heaven not Harvard†that bugs me. I know it’s a catchy phrase and all and I understand your point about about raising our kids to be good people, but why does it have to be at the expense of success? Why can’t children be raised to achieve both?
I’m the mother of 5 kids and, although I do want them to be kind, generous and compassionate people, I want them to be successful as well and to make sure they are living to their full potential.
I guess it would have made a lot more sense to me if you compared wanting them to be Heaven-bound instead of behaving like these young celebs (ie: Paris Hilton) “Heaven not Hilton.†It seems to me there are a lot of bad influences out there like Hilton and her ilk where life is all about fashion and parties and drinking. I don’t see how “Harvard†is the bad guy here. I don’t think it’s a good message to imply that something like a Harvard education and a successful career could jeapordize one’s life as a good person. I think it’s just as important to make sure you help your child reach their full potential as a human being by nurturing their talents intellectually as it is to nurture their hearts.
I noticed that your column today is exerpted from a longer talk that you gave, so perhaps something was lost in condensing it and that your theory was more fully explained in your talk, but the column comes across as practically bashing success and education. I guess the article seems a little muddled to me too—because although I hear your points about peservering in the moment and being wise and teaching gratefulness—I don’t understand what all that has to do with or gets in the way of teaching them to be successful?
I guess if you had in mind parenting with a Jose Menendez-like ferociousness about being successful at all costs, I would understand where you’re coming from—but I don’t really see that as a problem in today’s society. If anything, it’s the opposite—a viewpoint where it’s ok to be mediocre and “everyone’s a winner†and all that. In schools now there’s no more 1st and 2nd place—it’s all about participation ribbons. I think it’s doing a disservice to kids to teach them that—life does have winners and losers and we all have to do our best with what talents we’ve been given. And this is all in addition to being good-hearted people—one does not have to be at the expense of the other.
Thanks for reading!
April 1, 2007
I loved this article…it is exactly the way I strived to raise my three sons, one of which is in the ministry, and two who are planning to be in the ministry. From the time they were born, my goal was that they not just be good kids, but extraordinary human beings who put God first and others before themselves.
I read the two emails before mine. The first one compares apples to oranges. As long as she is an unbeliever, she will never understand.
However, I’m trying to figure out where Jennifer is coming from in her email. Betsy, in no way, bashed Harvard or education. She even made the point that it would be great of one of the kids did go to Harvard, that’s just not the most important thing in life. Most important is our eternity and matter of the Kingdom. Seek first the kingdom of God, and all of these things will be added to you…even education.
April 2, 2007
Loved the column/adaptation of your address to the Willow Creek Association Children’s Ministry Conference 2007. I wanted to share a couple of entries I am leaving to my son in diary form. Your item #5 reminded me of my entries from long ago, long before he had been accepted to the doctoral program at the Princeton plasma physics lab:
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others. – Cicero
If I could give you my son but one gift, it would be a grateful heart. – Dad
There is calmness to life lived in gratitude, a quite joy. – Ralph H. Blum
April 2, 2007
I appreciate your column so much! I read it in the Sunday Chicago Sun Times. Actually your column is the only one I read. I believe it’s very unusual to read a column by someone living by biblical principles, and actually writing about them! I especially appreciated Sunday’s column. It is so counter cultural. As a mom of 2 grown boys I could relate to the statement your friend made about the days being so long and the years are so short, that is so true. You sound like you’re doing a great job with your children, keep persevering and blessing them!
April 5, 2007
Um, what happened to MY post – which came after Christy’s? First it was there, now it isn’t. Very odd. The gist of my post was that while we shouldn’t settle for mediocrity in kids’ schoolwork, we shouldn’t focus on grades rather than effort (and especially, we shouldn’t blame the teacher), because either one can tempt the kids to cheat.
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