I wanted to say, good job on being willing to go against the grain of your parents’ generation when it comes to adults apologizing to children. I don’t know what your own parents did, of course, but it can still be hard to be that objective and humble – and that secure in your own authority.

As Miss Manners has said, just because parents shouldn’t treat kids as equals doesn’t change the need to own up to wrongdoing. She said she believes in the occasional “yes you’re right, parents aren’t perfect” because: “Everybody understands that what is left unsaid is: ‘I am perfect most of the time, part of which is my ability to admit to imperfect behavior.’”

At the same time, though, women often have a problem with over-apologizing and/or not making it clear that what they mean is “I’m sorry to hear that.” In the 1970s, Mary Kay Blakely wrote an essay about why women need to start a strike on saying ‘I’m sorry.’ It was very eye-opening, and a one-sentence summary might be: “Learn to substitute the words ‘that’s too bad’ at least four out of five times.”

Finally, parents don’t have to be sympathetic characters all the time. They just have to try to do the right thing. One minor example I can think of is the TV show “The Wonder Years.” Dad wasn’t always right, nor was he properly humble when proved wrong, but for the most part, he stuck to his guns without explanation or apology for any bruised feelings when he WAS right. And the kids learned to accept that instead of sulking over it, even if it did take years.

Betsy,
Just read your article “Learning to say you’re sorry.” Having six kids and a wonderful wife, we still struggle with the “non-apologies.” My wife were just discussing this problem that rationalizes and justifies every misdeed.

Thanks for letting us know that we’re not alone in our battle against this pernicious evil. Great idea to make it the sole resolution for the New Year. We’ll join you and see if we can add at least a few kids to the world who know where to rightly assign blame.

Thanks for your sage insight!

Good Morning,
Your commentary in this morning’s newspaper We all need to learn how to say I’m sorry’ could not have come at a better time. In short, 10 years ago a coworker and former friend and I had a falling out. We still work together in a small office of 5 people and other than professional courtesy we haven’t spoken a word to each other. Yes, it has made working difficult.

Ok, here’s the ‘but’ she did the unthinkable, we had a falling out and she brought it into the office, made up malicious lies about office day-to-day contact and then enlisted her friends and other office staff into it and as people do they have a tendency to take side if you will. Our director read through it and nothing happened as a result, and as a result we’ve work in the same office, have professional courtesy and ignore each other.

Yesterday….she left a small wrapped gift. I haven’t opened it. All that is needed is a retraction to her written words. I realize her intentions is a way to open the door and here I go again ‘but’ the grudge (ouch) of her actions still stings.

So, while I get your message in your timely and most well written article…I have some soul searching to do….