Hi friends – well, this week’s column is pretty personal, and a little special. It’s been five years since my husband left our family life. This is a little about the things I’ve learned and lived through. . . It’s an unusual column for me to write, so I’ve decided to paste it in in its entirety, as well as share the link with you.
I want to thank all my readers for all of your support over the years, and for so often sharing your stories with me!
My column/Chicago Sun-Times
In a few days, I’ll mark the 5th anniversary of the afternoon I watched my husband finally walk out of our family life after 17 years of marriage. This time, he wouldn’t return to it. The kids were 10, 8, 5 and 3.
So many folks over the years, both men and women, have shared their own similar stories of heartbreak with me.
I suppose I myself could fill a book (whether anyone would read it is another matter!) on the things I’ve learned from all this about life, and people, and being single with four kids. Most important from my point of view of course is how my own (and to me, my amazing) children have done with it all. I can’t write their story yet. But I can tell a little piece of my own, in case it’s helpful to anyone else.
Five years later I have discovered that life goes on in incredibly wonderful if totally unexpected ways, and that I have found a new richness and texture and happiness in life, even amidst the adversity in its many forms, as well as the joy in its many forms, of the last several years. It’s grown into a tapestry which has surprised me. Meaning, for instance, that when my children ran through our house when I was married, chasing each other and laughing, it was music to my ears. But considering their story, when they do it now in the home I head on my own, it’s the New York Philharmonic to me!
Yes there’s no doubt I’m incredibly fortunate in all this in countless ways, considering my many dear friends, my work, health, family, you name it. More than anything else, my Christian faith has allowed me to see my circumstances as a calling with a purpose.
But I also know now there was something built into me as a child that has been instrumental in allowing me to face all this: simply put, no one ever kept me from scraping my knee as a kid. I was the youngest of five. For starters and in contrast to today’s parents (yes of course I’m going there!) I wasn’t protected from disappointment. Not making the school play or being left off the list for the cool girl’s party, hardly trauma in any event, was a cause for dusting myself off and going on to the next thing, not self-pity.
And I was regularly allowed to figure things out on my own or with my friends: how fast do I want to careen my bike over that edge? (really fast); will that branch 20 feet high actually hold me while I eat lunch? (answer, yes); and how exactly do I get off the commuter train in downtown Chicago and find my dad’s office in the “Loop” by myself – At age 10? (Seriously.) In summer I was expected to be home when the street lights came on, and not much before. That left a lot of time for successful if sometimes “dangerous” exploration. Add into the mix three (wonderful) older brothers, who tormented me on a fairly regular basis which did not seem to offend my parents much at all, and I think one has a recipe for resiliency.
So, even early on in facing my new life as a single mom, even amidst the grief and the loneliness and the anger, there always seemed to be a basic and optimistic sense of “well okay, of course I can figure this out. In fact, it might be a kind of unexpected adventure.”
I’m not sure how I’m doing yet on giving that same sense to my own kids. I do know that as a culture, we no longer typically raise resilient children built to rise to a new challenge, but too often overprotected, entitled kids built to become paralyzed in the face of adversity, disappointment, or loss.
Yet ironically, if our children don’t become resilient adults, we leave them vulnerable after all.
I would never wish my family’s loss on anyone. But I do know that I hope so much to raise children who could face similar difficult and unexpected circumstances, and the so many things which would be so much worse, with a sense of, “well of course I can figure this out — and naturally, I’ll keep a lookout for joy in the process.”
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June 18, 2009
Many years ago, you wrote a column recounting how your children lost a soccer game and your husband told them it was because they weren’t good enough. You defended him at the time, but I wondered if he expressed the same lack of compassion toward YOUR endeavors. A few years later, hearing you report that you were no longer married to him, I wasn’t surprised. Both you and your children are probably much happier without him.
June 19, 2009
Hi Mary – if I remember right, he was responding to the kids coming up with all kinds of excuses for why they didn’t win, and the reality was the other team was better, and he let the kids know it. I don’t have a problem with that, but I do agree the kids and I are doing surprisingly well and have drawn very close as a family in the last five years!
June 26, 2009
I happened to catch your column in the Sun-Times about the anniversary of your husband leaving. I just wanted to say I was touched by it. You and I are polar opposites in terms of socio-economic and political views. I know that I had an email tussle with you several years ago over the Iraq war, which I opposed and you supported, where called me anti-American. But when it comes to raising kids, I’m sure there are more similarities between us and really between most liberal and conservative types.
Best of luck to you in your continued success of being a parent.
John Karnuth
I think about this a lot: how to find the boundary between protection and self-reliance. Like you, I had a lot of freedom as a kid. Now, I live in Berkeley, one of the most socially-policed towns in the U.S. When our city council voted to include pollinator-friendly plants in parks, people protested that kids might get stung by bees. When I was a kid, we expected to be stung at least once a summer.
On the other hand, we have access to so much more information now. We are more aware of what can go wrong. I bet my parents never heard of anaphylactic shock; I know all about it, and have some sympathy for those worried about bee stings.
Every generation of parents raises kids for a world they won’t really understand. But resilience of all kinds will surely remain an important and useful trait.
July 13, 2009
Hi Betsy, My mom gave me your article to read in hopes that it may help me see the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow. My husband left our family last October, leaving me with a newborn (now 9 months) and a 4 year old to raise. The resentment is high some days and other days I feel like I could forgive and forget if he would just come back and help me raise these kids. I am happy to hear that you feel that your kids are doing better than OK after the whole ordeal. I am also glad that you spoke about your faith, I have relied on it a great deal. This is not supposed to be my life, if I were someone looking at me, I would tell me to get it together and I am most of the time, but I do get down sometimes. I heard from a divorced friend that it took her about 5 years to get over her ex and from the title of your article about 5 years for you to retrospectively feel that it has all worked out for the best. I guess for me knowing that I have another 4 years of feeling like I do is of no great comfort.
July 13, 2009
Hi Veta – thanks so much for writing! My heart goes out to you and your dear children. I do know exactly what you are going through. I will tell you that it has not taken me 5 years to get here. I would say that after a year the world really started to change for the better for me. I just think that all of life is a journey – and 5 years seemed a good time to touch base in my column. Who knows how I’ll feel after 10 years??
I’m guessing that you are much younger than I was when this hapenned. I think that’s a blessing to you. I also think it’s possible to have anger and compassion at the same time. Think about all that your ex is MISSING. I think that will help you.
Please keep in touch with me and let me know if there is anything I can say or do that would be helpful.
Blessings to you – Betsy
July 15, 2009
After reading the letter about the husband walking out, I kept waiting to hear the part about Betsy finding a great guy later in life. Maybe that remains to be seen yet. However, I think this is an opportunity to not only know that women can go on with their lives when the husband bails, it’s a chance to bring up the obvious white elephant that is missing from this letter. That is that many men don’t have the maturity, guts, or staying power to honor their commitments of family, marriage, and being a man of honor. I believe somewhere along the line, men have not been taught this concept or society is turning out very selfish men who have no conscience or any sense of a moral compass about what is right and what is wrong. I’ve seen this happen on many levels..with men I’ve dated and with my many friends who have gone through similar situations that Betsy has gone through. No, it doesn’t take a man to have happiness, but most women want a significant other in their lives to help them, nurture them, and to love. I’m still striving to find that right guy myself. Fortunately, I never married any of my Mr. Wrongs but learned that it isn’t just a few men who are like Betsy’s ex-husband–there are thousands if not millions of men who fit this me-centered mentality that is so prevalent today. I think it’s time that Moms and Dads instill in their sons what it means to be a stand-up kind of guy and that wedding vows are not something you simply walk away from when you have a mid-life crisis or any other meltdown. Life is tough and more women rise to the occasion than men do. Sad but true.
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